Does this sound like your family?

You are a Type A personality. You’re driven, intense and focused primarily on your career. You tend to look at yourself as having to be perfect, are impatient with co-workers and subordinates who are slower than you or who don’t share your passion about their work and careers.

Of course, these personality traits carry over to your home life, as well. You get impatient and easily irritated at your teens who don’t have that kind of passion about school, sports, or anything in their lives, except, their friends.

Most likely, your spouse does not share your personality traits, either. It’s what attracted you to them. They may be a people pleaser, “yessing” you and accepting you because he/she loves you. You predicted that you would be happily married, partly because it would be unlikely that your spouse would compete with you and therefore, you would always be in control in the relationship.

Or, perhaps, your spouse or one of your children, is just as competitive as you and therefore there is a constant power struggle going on within the family.

Unresolved or insensitively managed conflict negatively impacts families on multiple levels. In these situations, you hate coming home perhaps as much as you hate going to work. On the other hand, if you can learn how to skillfully resolve conflicts, it can be a platform for enhancing the love and warmth within your family.

The following is a three-step series of behavioral prescriptions for assessing and implementing a conflict resolution program at home. Once put into practice, in as little as 21 days you can see positive change in your relationship with your spouse, children and stop the “I hate going home” feeling:

Rx #1. Use A Thought Stopping Technique

Whenever you get angry at a family member, it is never what that family member says or does that gets you angry; rather, it is your interpretation (based on your own internal dialogue) of what that family member says or does that always determines your
emotional reaction.

Internal Dialogue

The key to analyzing your vulnerability to being provoked into confrontations, is to understand when your automatic thoughts, including your assumptions and conclusions, are distorted and therefore cause the emotional reactions you make.

Examples of automatic thought distortions are:

• “My teenager should respect my rules, even if she doesn’t like them.”(using should, must, and have to in judging your actions);
• “My husband is selfish and doesn’t care about my needs, ” (reading your spouse’s mind about what he must be thinking and feeling);
• “I will never be happy as long as these kids are living in this house.”(catastrophizing or fortune telling about what negative things will happen to you in the future);
• “I’m a failure as a parent” (negatively labeling yourself instead of describing your behavior as unfortunate or unproductive).

Thought Stopping

Once you learn about the distortions that are part of your automatic thinking, you can then learn how to stop them in their tracks. This works through a process of challenging your distorted thinking and developing a more rational, alternative set of beliefs. . The end result is dissolving negative emotions and engaging in a healthy, more reasonable outlook, despite the situation.

Rx # 2. – Identify Your Typical Conflict Management Habits

People resort to behavioral habits when they experience conflict with others. These reactions include:

• Non-productive behaviors, such as: confronting, dominating, defending, using sarcasm,hostile humor, repressing emotions, insisting on being right, stonewalling, and blaming;
• Neutral behaviors, such as: avoiding, cooling off, apologizing, and giving in or backing off to avoid confrontation;
• Positive behaviors, such as: active listening, empathizing, disarming, inquiring, and using “I feel” statements.

The goal is to eliminate negative and neutral behaviors and practice positive confrontation reduction skills until they become new habits. On the average, with practice, these skills actually can be learned in only 21 days!

Rx # 3. – Use These Powerful Confrontation Reduction Skills

Active Listening 

The key to all interpersonal communications is genuine listening. This is different from defensive listening, which is where you internally plan your retort
while the other person is talking to you.

In order to really listen, paraphrase what the other person says in your own words. Do this without judging, agreeing or disagreeing. Then, listen and reflect the content, needs and feelings of the other person.

Next, ask for feedback to determine whether you interpreted correctly. If you have not, ask for clarification. Continue this process until you are sure that you have heard what the other person is saying and how he or she really feels emotionally.

Once you are certain that you understand the message and feelings expressed by the other person, respond. The other person then listens and paraphrases for you. This process continues until you have both clarified your positions and are certain that the other person really heard you and understands.

Empathizing

This involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to see the world through his or her eyes. As you do this, consider the age and experience of the person with whom you are in conflict so you can accurately assess the experience of the other person.

Disarming

The fastest way to defuse an argument is to find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if you do not agree with the basic criticism or complaint. For example, saying “I can understand why you feel angry with me since you believe that I
violated your trust by sharing our conversation with dad” acknowledges and validates the angry person’s feelings without actually agreeing with what was said. This opens the door to clarification, feedback and reconciliation.

Childhood has changed. Instead of pick-up baseball and basketball games on the corner lot, there are competitive travel leagues for kids as young as seven or eight. Instead of the three “R’s”; Reading, wRiting and aRithmetic, kids are faced with standardized tests and after-school tutors. Instead of Sunday night with the Wide World of Disney, there’s questionable “family” shows such as the Family Guy, South Park, and the Simpsons. And then there’s technology!

Kids today are experiencing higher levels of stress than ever before, partly because they’re being exposed to “mature” material before they’re able to process it, partly because the demands on their time are higher than ever, and partly because they don’t have time to decompress.

Here are five ways to help the kids in your life minimize and deal with stress.

Turn off the TV.

Even when carefully monitored, TV can still cause kids stress. The bright colors, advertisements, and frenetic action are all designed to pull kids in, but they’re not designed to calm them down. (Some shows have even caused seizures in epileptic children). Turn off the assault on their senses. Sit with your children and discuss the day. Discuss what is going on in their lives. Listen to them!

Help kids identify and name their stress.

Kids, especially younger ones, can have a hard time recognizing and labeling their stress. They may know they feel “bad” or uneasy, but may not know that what they’re feeling is stress or anxiety. Ask questions about what the bad emotions feel like (butterflies? angry tigers? a tummy ache?) and then help your child figure out when the feelings started. Was it when the teacher handed out the math test ? When former best friend Lanie sat with someone else at lunch? When everyone laughed at your book report? Identifying what children are feeling can help them sort out those feelings and instill the belief they have some control over the stress they’re experiencing.

Give kids choices.

One of the biggest sources of stress for anyone of any age is feeling like they don’t have control over their lives, or the events in it. By giving your child a say in what’s happening to them, you help them feel more powerful. Let’s say your fourth-grader is freaking out about her math class. You can’t let her skip math, but you can give her options. Does she want to ask the teacher for extra help, or look into tutoring? Would she like Mom or Dad or an older neighbor to help her? Would she prefer to study in the morning or right after school? Even small choices help a child feel a sense of control over the outcome of a stressful situation.

Be a good listener.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just listen to your child, without offering advice or suggestions. Listening will allow your child to share some of the burden of their anxiety, which can help alleviate anyone’s stress. By paying attention to them, you can also gain insight into what the underlying sources of their stress may be.

Be there for your child.

Just knowing that you are unquestionably available to your child can help him or her feel more secure and less stressed. After a tough day at school, to be able to come home and be surrounded by a loving, caring family can be the best stress-reliever of all. Take time to laugh and have fun, and create positive memories and events to counteract any negative occurrences in their life. It will help you relieve your own stress, too!

When we assume our kids are processing stress the same way we do, we are missing an opportunity. We have the tools available to help ourselves through stressful situations because we’ve been around long enough to know what stress feels like and how to combat it. Your child doesn’t have those tools. It’s your job to observe, listen, and then help your child work through their feelings. Pass your knowledge on to your child and everyone wins.

More than twenty years ago, stress was the cover story in Time magazine. “Stress” was referred to as “The Epidemic of the Eighties,” and it was referred to as the nation’s number one health problem.

Flash forward to 2007. Results were released on December 12, 2007 from “Stress in America,” the American Psychological Association’s (APA) annual survey of stress in the general public in the U.S. The researchers interviewed 1848 adults 18 and over, and the interviews were conducted in both English and Spanish.

Seventy-nine percent of those surveyed believe that they cannot avoid stress and in the month prior to the survey, 77% of those surveyed experienced stress-related physical symptoms, including headaches, GI problems, and fatigue. Seventy-three percent admitted to emotional symptoms, including feeling nervous, lack of motivation, irritability, and anger. In addition, nearly half of Americans (43 percent) reported that stress negatively impacted their relationships with spouses or partners. A fourth of Americans believed that in the previous five years, their personal relationships suffered because of stress.

Since that report in 2007, the APA has found remarkably consistent findings each year. Add the holiday season to the mix, and for many, stress spikes even higher.

STRESS AND YOUR BODY
The domino effect of not controlling your stress levels is clear. Many studies have shown a direct link between stress and fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, gastrointestinal diseases, cancer, diabetes, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and macular degeneration.
We now understand that stress also impacts cholesterol levels, platelet activation (causing heart attacks), and shortened life span. Since sleeping difficulties negatively impact the immune system and lifespan and since stress is one of the main causes of insomnia, you can see your health and your life, itself, depend on taking charge of the stressors in your life.

HOLIDAY STRESS

For many people, stress levels spikeduring holiday season and here are the key reasons:

• Many are nostalgic for the happy family experiences they had at this time of year and the family is now far away or is fractured by divorce and/or deaths
• People who live alone often feel much worse around the holidays, which are viewed as times for people to come together to celebrate
• If you are divorced and during the holidays you must split time with your children with your ex, it can be very frustrating and lonely
• For many people, the winter months and the grey, gloomy weather increases depression and mood changes

A DOZEN WAYS TO DEAL WITH LIFE’S STRESSORS, REGARDLESS OF THE SITUATION

It is important to remember that occasional or low levels of stress may actually be protective of our health! For example, stress makes us more vigilant to potential danger. So, totally eliminating our stress is not only impossible, but is probably not a good idea. It is prolonged and debilitating stress that is the culprit.

Both the National Mental Health Association and the American Psychological Association offer many recommendations to build resiliency against the inevitable stressors of life.

Here are a dozen ways to get started:

• Recognize that it will never be a perfect world, even during the holidays, so go with the hand that has been dealt to you for these holidays. “It is what it is.” The holidays will pass quickly.
• Become assertive and learn to say “no” to unreasonable time pressures and responsibilities that others put on you.
• Exercise regularly, engaging in aerobic activities, and maintain good nutrition, avoiding caffeine, alcohol and nicotine.
• Build relaxation time into your life and enjoy calming music or reading, especially during those times when you are not with family
• Have a relaxing hobby that you enjoy and give yourself permission to engage in it each week, in order to distract your attention from stress-producing news on TV, for example.
• Do one task at a time, instead of multi-tasking
• Use the power of visualization to picture yourself engaging in relaxing, healthy pursuits and write down goals in order to accomplish those pursuits.
• Use imagery, meditation or self-hypnosis to imagine accomplishing your goals peacefully, while letting go of situations over which you have little or no control.
• Laugh each day, whether it’s from hearing or repeating jokes, watching funny videos or hanging around with funny people.
• Stay away from highly tensed, negative people
• Try to play with a pet each day.
• Get professional help if you still feel overwhelmed and stressed.

Our world these days is filled with invitations to worry and feel hopeless. But events and situations only represent 10% of the stress in our lives. What we do about these events determines whether we will be overwhelmed or resilient. Begin practicing these dozen stress-busting tips and watch your life take a turn for the best!

Jack Singer, Ph.D.
Clinical/Sport Psychologist

Statistics show that about 75% of caregivers are women and two thirds of the caregivers in the United States hold down regular jobs in addition to being a caregiver which can lead to huge emotional and physical stress over time.

What is a Caregiver?

A caregiver is someone who, whether paid or unpaid, looks after another person who can no longer look after themselves due to illness, trauma, or old age. When a person is limited in what they can do, they need someone to step in and give them the care they need. These are people who need help with daily basic tasks such as grocery shopping, house cleaning, bill paying, meal preparation, medications, bathroom and personal hygiene, and so much more.There are millions of caregivers in the United States alone. If you are a caregiver, you are by no means alone.

It is not easy to be the one who is caring for someone else, no matter what their particular health issue may be. If you are in the position of being a caregiver for a loved one, here are some tips to help you when your energy flags and you are concerned about burnout.

Seek Resources

The internet is a wonderful tool for finding information about just about anything these days. Spend some time Googling terms that apply to your particular set of circumstances. For instance I just typed this search term into Google, “How to be a good caregiver” and found several excellent articles. This one in particular I thought was very helpful: Taking Care of YOU: Self-Care for Family Caregivers.

Take time to find out all you can about care giving and the resources available to you. Since you are not alone, there is plenty of information on the Internet, in magazines, and at local hospitals and nursing homes about the art of being a caregiver. When you know what you are facing, you can prepare for it.

Craft a Strong Support System

If you are caring for a family member, you may not be the only one who is working to see your loved one get better. Keep in contact with other family members so that you can coordinate your efforts on behalf of your loved one. If each person knows their role, there will be fewer reasons to stress out along the way and no one person bears the brunt of the entire responsibility.

Get to Know the Medical Professionals

I just Googled this term “Caregivers talking to medical professionals” and instantly found a great article at Caregivers Support.org called “Communication with Health Care Professionals” that gives some excellent advice and tips for talking to healthcare professionals.

Take Care of Yourself!

Caregiving is demanding and caregivers need time off from their caregiving responsibilities to relieve stress and prevent burnout.

• Schedule regular afternoon or evenings out.
• Take time to talk with friends, either in person or on the phone.
• Eat nutritious meals.
• Get enough sleep.
• Exercise regularly. It is a great stress buster.
• Make a list of jobs you could ask for help with. For some reason, this seems to be one of the hardest things for caregivers to do!
• Arrange adult day care.
• Join a support group.
• Draw strength from your faith.
• Take time to pamper yourself.
• Plan a weekend getaway.
• Hire a temporary caregiver from a respite care program. While many forms of respite care exist, the quality of care provided by respite services may vary.  Therefore, it is important to check out the facility before leaving your loved one

• Benjamin Franklin
• Leonardo Davinci
• Thomas Jefferson
• Martha Stewart

Lists work. Books have been written about the power of lists… but not all lists are created equal! In this short series, I’m going to discuss the six biggest mistakes you’re making with your to-do list, and how to avoid them. You’ll soon be on your way to super-charging your day!

Mistake Number One: Thinking There’s One “Right System”

Every time another productivity book hits the best-seller list, thousands of people jettison their planners, calendars, software programs, and iPad/iPhone apps, thinking that if they just buy the latest and greatest system, they’ll be able to get a handle on their ever-expanding “to-do” list.

The problem with this approach is that while it can be really fun to color-code your tasks, set up e-mail reminders for the next sixteen years, or invest a month’s worth of groceries in a new planner, there’s no guarantee that what works for the author, a blogger, or your best friend is going to work for you. You know yourself and you know what is interesting to you. Stick with what you know and just expand on it.

“To-do” list or task-management systems come in all shapes and sizes. There are electronic versions that are slick enough to send your mom an e-mailed Mother’s Day card for you. There is the good old-fashioned pen-and-paper lists in your day minder, and there are all sorts of hybrids in between. You can “Get It Done” with David Allen, let Franklin-Covey plan your life, or try to remember the milk with the Remember the Milk app on your iPhone. But if you don’t pick a system that’s in line with your personality and your life, you’re just setting yourself up for failure.

Here are a few things to ask yourself before you invest in a new to-do or task management system:

• How much time do I want to invest setting up the system and maintaining it? Some systems require you to input all your tasks and appointments into a database, while others rely on a five-minute update at the end of each day. Figure out how much time you have available to allocate to this task. Let’s face facts. If it doesn’t suit you, or you can’t allocate enough time in your day to perform this task, it will simply remain undone. Just one more frustration!
• Am I a digi-type or a paper-type? Even though it may seem like “everybody” is relying on their iPad to track their to-do lists, you’re not like “everybody.” You may find it downright uncomfortable to have everything kept digitally – and that’s okay. Frankly, the very real concerns with cloud computing and the daily stories we hear about password hacking may be something that prevents you from going 100 percent digital. There is nothing wrong with that!
• How much “stuff” do I want to carry around with me? If you like to travel light, you may find digital the way to go – or you may want to use a single 3×5 note card to track your list. Alternately, if you carry a backpack, messenger bag or purse, a larger notebook or device might be your computer of choice.
• How complicated am I? Do you want a simple overview of your tasks, or a color-coded, ranked list backed up by project sections in a notebook or computer file? Don’t go for the gold standard when aluminum will do!

My advice? Match your system to your preferences and personality. Not everyone needs a computerized system capable of launching the next space shuttle, and not everyone is comfortable with a pen-and-paper format. Find something that works for you and stick with it – even if “everyone else” is moving on to something shiny and new.

In my next blog post we will discuss that age old problem of putting way too many things on your “to do” list. It is frustrating, and you wind up feeling needlessly bad.  We will talk about increasing, rather than decreasing your productivity. Stay tuned!

Although most students resort to caffeine to remedy their lack of energy, there are viable alternatives.

Use these strategies to boost your energy without having to step into a coffee shop:

1. Exercise. When you need a fast energy boost, exercise is the best fix. Take a brisk walk, hop on an elliptical machine or bike around campus for 20 minutes. The energy boosting effects are nearly instant and can last up to two hours.

• Exercise, especially running, increases your alertness and the level of endorphins. Endorphins are known mood boosters. So, you’ll have more brainpower to completing your paper, and you’ll also be happy to do it!

2. Maintain a regular sleep schedule. Partying at all hours of the night can destroy your energy level and jeopardize your chances of academic success. Maintain a regular sleep schedule and ensure your body gets enough rest to function efficiently.

• A lack of sleep has can cause early physical signs of aging, such as hyper-pigmentation on eyelids, puffy under-eye circles, and wrinkles.

3. Indulge in a power nap. A 30-minute power nap can provide you with an instant boost of energy. If you don’t have a half hour to spare, a 10 or 15-minute snooze may provide enough energy to power you through the rest of your day.

• You may be tempted to just forge on through your tight deadlines instead of taking a nap. However, after arising from your power nap, you’ll be able to accomplish double the results you would attain if you were to keep working without a break.

• In addition to immediately boosting energy levels, power napping also increases your ability to retain information.

4. Minimize the junk. Avoid unhealthy foods that are laden with fat, sugar, and preservatives. These foods widen your waistline and make you feel groggy after each meal.

• Maintain a balanced diet. It’s okay to indulge in a piece of chocolate every now and then. But eating microwavable macaroni and cheese and cinnamon buns every night adversely affect your energy and school performance.

5. Eat often. Eat five small meals throughout the day to keep both your metabolism and your energy functioning at optimum capacity.  Avoid skipping meals, even though you are often short on time.

• If you’re running around and always in a hurry, do your best to eat three medium-sized meals throughout the day. Carry fruit and granola bars in your bag to eat between meals.

• It’s healthier to eat five small meals scattered throughout the day, rather than three large meals. Eating heavy meals depletes your energy faster than you can put the fork down.

6. Smell peppermint. Peppermint has a strong, refreshing scent that can wake up even the drowsiest student. Peppermint candles, peppermint oil, or peppermint scented air freshener sprayed throughout your dorm room contain the power to invigorate your senses.

7. Eat carbohydrates. Fuel your body with smart carbohydrates. Make smart food choices such as wheat bread, beans, and healthy bran cereals.

Combine several of these tips to supercharge your energy level in a very short time. Say goodbye to the days of coffee highs and crashes. Small changes you make today can make a huge difference in how you feel and your performance in the classroom.

Social anxiety can be overcome, though. Everyone’s personality is different, but you can change the way you respond socially no matter what your personality is like. With a little effort in the right strategies, you’ll be more at ease at the next party or meeting you attend.

Try these tips and guidelines to help you to break your cycle of social anxiety:

1. Practice makes perfect. If your social interactions are few and far between, you limit your chances of success in these situations. Instead of avoiding social situations, start by seeking small, less intimidating opportunities to practice social interaction.

2. Be yourself. Remember that people generally want to get to know the real you. Most people you meet will be just as nervous as you are. Make others feel at ease by being yourself and asking questions about the other person. As they open up to you and the conversation gets rolling, you’ll feel more and more comfortable.

* Remember that people are less concerned about your flaws than you are. Social situations can be overwhelming when you try really hard to be perfect. Sometimes you’ll make mistakes. Even embarrassing mistakes can cause you and those around you to feel at ease if you learn to laugh at yourself. And, most people will understand if you make a mistake. They’re just as intimidated.

3. Talk it out. Discuss your struggles with a trusted friend or loved one. Talk about the issues you have and ask for help if necessary. If your social fears run deep, consider seeking professional advice. It’s much better to take steps now to overcome your fears than to miss out on all that life has to offer while you sit on the sidelines.

4. Look on the bright side. Try to see the good in every situation you face. If you’re in a social situation that you’re afraid of, face your fears head-on. Chances are that you can find something about the situation that makes you smile. Once you get into the swing of things, your fears will shrink.

5. Take steps to relax. If you start to panic, take steps to relax yourself. Excuse yourself for a few moments alone. Take a few slow, deep breaths from your belly. Continue breathing slowly and deeply as you return to the social situation. You’ll feel confident and more in control when you breathe deeply.

6. Join a group or club. Groups and clubs are great places to practice social interaction with others who share the same interests that you do. Many groups exist, and you’re sure to find one or more that cater to an activity or subject matter you’re passionate about. This makes conversations easy as well.

Remember that your attitude and will to change makes all the difference. Get off the sidelines, pick a social situation you’d normally avoid, and use these strategies to overcome your fears. Turn social situations into opportunities to learn, grow, and experience all that life has to offer.

I am also available for phone consultations with athletes around the U.S. and in-person visits with athletes in Southern California. Call today toll free at 1-800-497-9880 for a free 20 minute telephone consultation with Dr. Jack Singer.

Jack N. Singer, Ph.D.
Certified and Licensed Sport and Clinical Psychologist
Diplomate, National Institute of Sports Professionals, Division of Psychologists
Diplomate, American Academy of Behavioral Medicine
Certified Hypnotherapist, American Academy of Clinical Hypnosis

Enjoy!

Your Thankfulness Quotient
by Jim Bird

No personal quality can deliver more meaning and joy then gratefulness – a deep recognition and appreciation for the wonders and blessings that life offers up.  However, a rich sense of thankfulness is not automatically inherent in our nature.  It is a trait that must be developed – and the more keenly we develop it, the happier and more balanced we become.

Thankfulness is the quality or state of being grateful.  It is a positive character trait like courage, honesty or ambition.  It is absolutely necessary to your enjoyment of life.  Without it, you can not be happy and balanced.  With it, life is good, much more meaningful and rewarding.  

However, it takes effort to develop, because our more natural tendency is to bemoan what we don’t have and why we don’t have it.  The more we give in to a routine of such lamenting the more we become whiners.  A whining lack of appreciation is truly bad for us and those around us.  

All of us have the capacity to improve ourselves and our lives by instilling a more routine sense of gratitude into our being; by making it even more of who we are.  That begins with an awareness and focus on the huge immediate benefits of developing our “thankfulness” trait.  

Doing so can turn a fast food lunch into a feast, a sunny day into a vacation, a stranger into a friend and a house into a home.   It molds bitterness into joy and what we have into more than enough.  

Last week “Slick” Surratt a former outfielder for the Kansas City Monarchs of the old Negro Baseball Leagues died after struggling in his later years with Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.   Fay Vincent, the former commissioner of Major League Baseball, wrote a heartfelt tribute to Slick, his dear friend.  In it he explained, that Slick “…had helped clear the airfield at Guadalcanal during World War II as an Army Bulldozer operator.  He came home from war hoping to play baseball again.  But he was the wrong color, and so he spent some 50 years on the line as welder at the Ford Motor Co. plant in Kansas City.” 

Slick was one of the men of the Negro Leagues that kept baseball alive in the black community and taught the next generation, making possible the careers of such superstars as Hank Aaron, Willie Mayes, Bob Gibson and so many more.  Slick was in good physical shape even many years after his playing was over, “But it was his smile you had to notice.  He was always smiling, full of joy,” Fay notes.  He had fun and was fun to be with. 

What Mr. Vincent recalled the most about this friend he truly loved was his total lack of bitterness.  The hardships of being raised in the severe segregation of his native Arkansas were dismissed, as was being denied any chance even to try out for a big league team.  
 
“I see no point in being bitter.  It won’t do no good for no one,” Slick told the commissioner.  Faye recounts even when he was dealing with his illnesses, Slick always sounded upbeat. 

Commissioner Vincent reflects, “I will not forget the lessons I learned from this good and noble man.  I will miss him, but I will never forget the joy of being in his company.” 

Slick Surratt reflected the inner joy that comes from a deep gratitude for the positive opportunities life had offered up to him, not a bemoaning of the negative roadblocks that may have made another man bitter.  Slick made the choice to be grateful. 

So too, for each of us being thankful is a choice that we can develop into a habit or way of being.  Choosing thankfulness every day develops it into one of your positive personal character traits.  That nobility within you then reflects itself both inwardly and outwardly as the joy and warm friendly feelings of gratitude.  

So what is your more dominant state? Do you tend to fret more about what you don’t have…on how someone else has more…or has slighted you…or let you down…or made your day more difficult?  Or are you thankful to have a store to shop in.  Some money to shop with.  A roof over your head tonight.  Warmth from the cold.  A TV filled with entertainment and education.  And oh, if you have someone in your life, family – friend to love or who loves you – are you grateful?  Every day?  

Whatever your answer, consciously focusing on upgrading your thankfulness character trait will improve you life.  Recent psychological research for example, shows that participants who wrote down things they were grateful for at the end of the week were 25% happier, more satisfied with their lives overall, more optimistic about the upcoming week, exercising more and sleeping better. 

Here are two simple and effective ways to reap the benefits of developing your thankfulness quotient. 

Write Yourself Visual Reminders  

The primary reason we are not more routinely thankful is we simply forget to be mindful of it.  It is not fully engrained yet as a habit.  So create these visual commitments and prompts:

• Schedule an appointment with yourself in your calendar to “be thankful.”
• At lunch and the end of the day are good times. Dwell mentally or just jot down the occurrences, people, pleasures or achievements of the day you are grateful for. Schedule these reminders for 30 days.
•  Post a note on your door at home, or in your car or office as a reminder. 

Express Your Gratefulness Verbally 

Maximize the impact of your gratitude, not by just thinking it and feeling it but also by expressing it.  

Last week I had lunch at a favorite spot of mine that has been a long time star of the Atlanta restaurant scene.  As I sat down a bustling waiter I knew passed and I asked how he’d been doing.  He paused, smiled and replied, “Great!  I’m alive, and I’m working and I’m grateful.”  And he truly was, and happily expressing it.  His doing so not only was reinforcing for him but made me even more thankful and joyful to be back dining with him. 

So express your thankfulness to and for others often.  Creating this habit multiplies the positive impact for you as well as all those around you.

Managing interpersonal conflict in organizations is among the most critical and important skills that employees on all levels of the organization can possess.

Job insecurity, fuelled by the economy, fears of downsizing, mergers and an unknown organizational future, produces fertile ground for the development of low frustration tolerance and conflict. Moreover, personal fears, such as needing to keep up with advances in technology, which is often are viewed as threatening, magnify the potential for anger and frustration in the workplace.

Unresolved or insensitively managed conflict negatively impacts productivity and morale. Ultimately, the bottom line is affected. On the other hand, allowing a conflict to surface and skilfully resolving it can be a platform for enhancing employee trust, team building and creativity.

The good news is that managers, trainers and human resources professionals can easily learn conflict resolution strategies, put them into practice, and teach them to their employees.

The following is a three-step program for assessing and implementing a conflict resolution. This is a proven, successful plan of attack:

Step 1. Evaluating conflict management style

• Several self-assessment questionnaires have been developed over the years giving people insight into how they react in typical conflict situations.
• The insight derived from scoring these questionnaires provides an understanding of what “buttons” get pushed when a person is provoked.

Step 2. Identifying conflict management behaviours

People resort to behavioural habits when experiencing conflict with others.

These reactions include:

• Non-productive behaviours, such as: confronting, dominating, defending, using sarcasm, hostile humour, repressing emotions, insisting on being right, stonewalling, and blaming
• Neutral behaviours, such as: avoiding, cooling off, apologizing, and giving in or backing off to avoid confrontation;
• Positive behaviours, such as: active listening, empathizing, disarming, inquiring, using “I feel” statements, and recognizing how your internal dialogue impacts your emotional reactions

The goal is to eliminate negative and neutral behaviours and practice positive confrontation reduction skills until they become new habits. On the average, these skills actually can be learned in only 21 days of concentrated practice!

Step 3. Learning powerful confrontation reduction skills

Active Listening. The key to all interpersonal communications is genuine listening, as opposed to defensive listening, where you plan your retort while the other person is talking to you.

In order to begin to really listen, paraphrase what the other person says in your own words, without judging, agreeing or disagreeing. Listen to and reflect the content, needs and feelings of the other person.

Next, ask for feedback to determine whether you interpreted correctly. If you have not, ask for clarification. Continue this process until you are sure that you have heard what the other person is saying and how he or she really feels emotionally.

Once you are certain that you understand the message and feelings expressed by the other person, respond. The other person then listens and paraphrases for you. This process continues until you have both clarified your positions and are certain that the other person really heard you and understands.

Empathizing. This involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to see the world through his or her eyes, taking into account cultural, racial, gender and experiential differences.

Disarming. The fastest way to defuse an argument is to find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if you do not agree with the basic criticism or complaint. For example, saying “I can understand why you feel angry with me since you believe that I started the rumour” acknowledges and validates the angry person’s feelings without actually agreeing with what was said. This opens the door to clarification, feedback and reconciliation.

Inquiring. By asking for clarification of ideas, needs and feelings you signal a feeling of respect and can then work toward mutual understanding and compromise.

“I Feel” Statements. This is a primary skill in interpersonal communications. Expressing yourself with such statements as, “I feel angry because you seem to be avoiding me” is much more productive than the accusatory, “you made me angry and it’s your fault that I’ve had a bad day at work today.” In the first scenario, you take responsibility for your own feelings and share them; in the second, you escalate the confrontation by blaming and putting the person on the defensive.

In addition, you tell the other person specifically what you need that will make you feel good or what can be done to improve the relationship and avoid further misunderstandings and confrontations.

Internal Dialogue. The key to analyzing your vulnerability to being provoked into confrontations is to understand how your automatic thoughts, including your assumptions and conclusions, cause every emotional reaction.

Examples of these distortions are: “I should have gone to work despite being ill” (using should, must, and have to in judging your actions); “My boss doesn’t care about me…only about my productivity” (reading your boss’ mind about what he must be thinking and feeling); “They’ll probably eliminate my job soon” (catastrophising or fortune telling about what negative things will happen to you in the future); and “I’m stupid for allowing this to happen to me” (negatively labelling yourself instead of describing your behaviour as unfortunate or unproductive).

Once you learn about the distortions that are part of your automatic thinking, you can learn how to challenge them and develop more rational, alternative thoughts. The end result is actually dissolving negative emotions and a healthy, more reasonable outlook on every situation in which you find yourself.

Interpersonal conflict is healthy when it brings a rich sharing of ideas, mutual respect and an understanding and appreciation of diverse opinions, needs, and values. Teaching your employees to understand how they traditionally react in conflict situations and how to use confrontation reduction skills leads to greater trust, less stress, more creativity, and can ignite the team. The ultimate benefits are enhanced quantity and quality of products and services!

I am also available for phone consultations with athletes around the U.S. and in-person visits with athletes in Southern California. Call today toll free at 1-800-497-9880 for a free 20 minute telephone consultation with Dr. Jack Singer.

Jack N. Singer, Ph.D.
Certified and Licensed Sport and Clinical Psychologist
Diplomate, National Institute of Sports Professionals, Division of Psychologists
Diplomate, American Academy of Behavioral Medicine
Certified Hypnotherapist, American Academy of Clinical Hypnosis

A fascinating article was reported in the November, 2009 issue of Runner’s World.  Most of us believe that running or doing other aerobic exercise is a wonderful stress reducer.  Indeed, the “runner’s high” feeling that so many runners strive for seems to dissolve away the stresses in their lives, at least temporarily. But, “stress and anxiety can contribute to injuries,” says Buz Swanik, Ph.D., associate professor of sports medicine at the University of Delaware. “When you’re under a great deal of stress, your energy levels get sapped, and you can’t recruit muscles as effectively or react quickly.”

As reported in the Runner’s World article, “a study published in the Journal of Science and Medicine in Sport reported that triathletes who had recently dealt with a ‘minor life event’ or ‘hassle’ (family, work, health, or financial issue) were more prone to injuries than those under less stress. Another study from the British Journal of Sports Medicine reported that elite athletes were more likely to get hurt if they competed while angry, confused, fatigued, tense, or depressed.

The author points out that it’s mainly elevated stress levels that makes one vulnerable to injury, because of the prolonged elevation of cortisol, the stress hormone.  Below are some potential problems and solutions if you wish to run when you are stressed:

Stress Symptom: YOU’RE DISTRACTED

If, while you are running, you are going over everything in your mind that is stressing you, the distraction in your thinking can cause you to miss potholes and other obstacles in the road or path.

The Solution: Run on a flat, well-lit surface, pick a scenic run that will capture your attention, listen to pleasing music and try to stay focused on the place, how well you feel physically, how you are helping your body by running, etc.  In other words, fill your thoughts with the present situation and don’t think about distracting stress-producing thoughts.

Stress Symptom: YOU’RE ANGRY

Many people love to go for a run to blow off steam after becoming angry or frustrated.  Experts say that if you run while angry, your form is off, and that alone can make you more vulnerable to injury.

The Solution: Run at a slower pace or even with a partner who runs at a slower pace.  If you are comfortable venting about your anger to your running partner, that will help you to blow off steam and it will also help you to run at a pace where conversation can take place comfortably.

Stress Symptom: YOU’RE TOO TENSE

When you are very tense, and you start to run, you are especially vulnerable to being injured or re-injuring an old injury.

The Solution: Stretching, flexibility and strength conditioning can help immensely to prevent injury from running.  Always take the time to stretch before running.  If you still feel “tight,” stop and stretch your hams…you’ll be amazed at how that calms the whole body down.

Stress Symptom: YOU’RE EATING POORLY

When we are stressed, blood leaves the digestive track to gorge the arm and leg muscles.  Not properly digesting our food leads to a lack of nutrients, so running when stressed may negatively affect the muscles.

The Solution: Eating frequent, small, mini-meals that include protein and proper nutrients will help the digestive process.  Also, using a calming tape while running will keep the stress low and help the digestive process.

MORE TIPS

• Focus on taking deep, relaxing breaths through your diaphragm.  Inhale through your nose to the count of four, hold to the count of four, and exhale through your mouth to the count of five.
• Always warm-up with walking before starting your run.  This will prepare your muscles for the more strenuous work to follow.
• Eat foods that are rich in B vitamins (artichokes, avocados, dark greens), because these B vitamins trigger serotonin, a brain chemical that calms the body by counteracting the stress chemical of cortisol.

I am also available for phone consultations with athletes around the U.S. and in-person visits with athletes in Southern California. Call today toll free at 1-800-497-9880 for a free 20 minute telephone consultation with Dr. Jack Singer.

Jack N. Singer, Ph.D.
Certified and Licensed Sport and Clinical Psychologist
Diplomate, National Institute of Sports Professionals, Division of Psychologists
Diplomate, American Academy of Behavioral Medicine
Certified Hypnotherapist, American Academy of Clinical Hypnosis