As her proud dad wrote, “Ashton had her Level 7 State Championship meet this weekend.  Going into the meet, she had 3 goals:

1. Stay on the beam
2. Win vault
3. And score a 38 in the all-around (which she had never done before).

Well, she did all three!  Ashton is the newly crowned CA State Vault Champion.  She also medaled on Bars, Floor, and Beam (all with personal bests), and was second in the All-Around with a 38.00.  Her teammate (and good friend) was the all-around champion, with a score of 38.10.”

Ashton is well on her way to gymnastics stardom.  I am so proud to have helped her along the way!

by Jack Singer, Ph.D. Clinical/Sport Psychologist

In light of the devastating events that allegedly took place at Penn State and Syracuse Universities, we now see fresh evidence of horrific child sexual abuse that continues to be all too prevalent in our society. How many children have been violated and are living with horrible emotions, too frightened to come forward? Although it is impossible to put a cocoon around your children, there are many measures that you can put to use, which will mitigate the danger.

Vulnerability

The greatest risk to our children doesn’t come from strangers but from friends and family. Between 30% to 40% of children are abused by family members. As many as 60% are abused by people the family trusts, including relatives, coaches, teachers, clergy and others who are in positions of authority, power and influence. Imagine how difficult it is for children to say no to such people, especially if the abuser describes his behavior as “loving” or “caring”.

Those who sexually abuse children are drawn to settings where they can gain easy access to children, such as sports leagues, religious youth centers, clubs, and schools. They go to extraordinary efforts to gain the trust of parents and other relatives. Imagine, for example, the vulnerability of a single parent’s children when a coach or teacher volunteers to watch over them after school or during times the parent must be at work.

Warning Signs

• Beware of adults who give excessive attention to your children, such as trying to get into one-on-one situations with them repeatedly. Where this gets tricky is with teachers and coaches, who show sincere care and want to offer one-on-one counsel. It is hard to differentiate genuine care from those who prey on children.
• Look for changes in your child’s behavior, moods, attitudes and school performance. Abusers frighten their victims by telling them that they (the victim) let it happen and their parents will be angry so “don’t tell.” Even worse, some abusers threaten family members if the child tells.

Prevention

First, a coach should never be in a locker room alone with an athlete. Other players or coaches must be present. This not only goes for coaches of the same sex as the athlete, but obviously also in situations where the coach and athlete are opposite sexes.

Secondly, for younger players in particular, a parent should be present at all practices. This is important not only to mitigate against sexual abuse possibilities, but also to hopefully mitigate the verbal abuse that often takes place between coaches and athletes. Coaches often bristle at parents being present because they don’t want parental interference in their coaching style. Assert yourself with the coach. If he insists that you not be present, remove your child from that coach/team.

If you have no proof of abuse, but you are worried about your child’s changing behavior or mood, it is better to err in the conservative direction by removing your child from the coach, team, club or situation.

If your child displays any of the warning signs above, attempt to speak with your child about what is disturbing him/her. Abused children often feel more comfortable discussing their fears with a trusted adult — afraid their parents will be angry or ashamed of them. So, have a relative or close friend connect with your child if you suspect anything. Don’t be disappointed that your child cannot discuss what happened with you.

If your child does begin to discuss what happened, make it safe for the child to express their fears. Don’t probe any more than the child feels comfortable with. It may take several discussions before your child can get all of the details out. Don’t judge your child. Just be empathetic and get the child professional help. Child psychologists are experts at helping abused children deal with their fears and trauma.

As parents, we are vigilant about teaching our children to watch for traffic before crossing, always put on your seat belt, and lock the doors when they are home alone. It is time we extend that vigilance to frank discussions about what behaviors by adults with whom they interact are proper and what behaviors are not. Tell your children to come to you when they are confused or worried about any adult’s interactions with them.

So much anecdotal evidence exists today of the impact that coaches and the “climate” in which they teach their young charges have on the performance and development of these youngsters. We have all heard of coaches who coach by fear, intimidation and the threat to bench a player. Believe me, in my 33 years of practice as a Professional Sport Psychologist, I have seen the unbelievable damage that such coaching causes on the self-esteem and confidence of young athletes. It’s the rare coach who takes the time to understand each athlete and treat her/him with respect and concern for the greater goal, rather than for whether they win.

Now, there is a wonderful study of exactly what characteristics lead to the best outcomes for youngsters who engage in sporting activities. As reported in the latest issue of “Sport, Exercise, and Performance Psychology,” the purpose of the study was to examine if the influence of youngsters’ perceptions of a “caring climate” in a summer sport camp program would predict psychological well being of those youngsters throughout their sports camp experience.

The results were amazing! Youngsters who perceived that their counselors/coaches truly cared about them (that is, they felt valued, supported, and accepted, (as opposed to judged or criticized) were much happier and much more coachable. These youngsters maintained hope in the face of failure, and remained happy, rather than sad or depressed. “Results suggest that equipping adults with strategies to create a positive and caring climate can reap significant rewards for young people with regard to their overall physical and psychological development.”

This proves the adage that a “sandwich” approach to coaching youngsters works wonders: Find something good to say about his/her performance, then give feedback about how she/he can improve, and finish it off with something else that is positive. this is the essence of providing a positive and caring climate in which youngsters can learn their sport. And that’s the winning ticket!

Now we have to add Coach Bobby Petrino of the Arkansas Razorbacks to the ever-growing list of morally failed athletes and trainers. Coach Petrino now joins the ranks of  Michael Vick, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Pete Rose, Marion Jones, Joe Paterno and Tiger Woods. Just to name a few.

Once again, sports fans are shocked into the reality that regardless of athletic or coaching excellence, fame, and fortune, their “heroes” can actually be remarkably foolish people who possess a over-developed sense of entitlement and exercise exceedingly poor judgment.

The truth is that being a great athlete or coach does not compensate for faulty values and questionable judgment.  Yet, once again we have placard waving fans imploring the authorities to give him a pass and allow him to be a role model for our young athletes and fans. Fortunately, athletic director Jeff Long did the right thing and the support for firing Bobby Petrino continues to roll in and now it’s taken monetary form.

Of course, no one is squeaky clean.  We certainly have had our share of revered religious figures who stunned us with their behind the scenes activities. Recall the scandals with Catholic priests and some popular evangelistic leaders. And what about our political, film, music and TV celebrities who do stupid things, and then lie about it until they look like idiots? Sometimes drugs and alcohol play a role, but that also involves poor judgment, right?

We say to ourselves…”If I had all of that money and fame, I’d never risk it with drugs, alcohol, or gambling.”  “If I had a wife and family like he does, I’d never look around for other women.”

Alas, everyone has the temptation and opportunity to make inappropriate decisions in their lives. Whether they can get away with something should never enter the equation…instead, they should ask themselves whether their children and parents would be proud of their choices.

Real heroes recognize that when faced with temptation, the choice is ultimately theirs and they have an obligation to themselves and their families to make the right choice, every time.

The effects of anxiety on performance (both harmful and beneficial) have been well documented in such diverse areas as athletics, public speaking, test-taking and acting. A relatively new area of research studies the impact of anxiety in the realm of music.

“Music performance anxiety” (MPA) is characterized as “the experience of persisting, distressful apprehension about and/or actual impairment of, performance skills in a public context, to a degree unwarranted, given the individual’s musical aptitude, training and level of preparation.”  Phew…what a mouthful that is!  What this boils down to is debilitating anxiety during auditions or performances. MPA affects musicians of all ages and abilities, just as performance anxiety affects athletes of all ages, from amateur to professional.

As with anxiety with athletes, all anxiety is not bad.  In fact, you may be surprised to know that being too relaxed can negatively impact performance as much as too much anxiety.  The key is to determine where the cutoff point is, so that one can prepare for a performance by allowing the development of just the right amount of anxiety to motivate and pump up (the singer or musician), but not so much that she/he will begin to worry about failing or disappointing, which will quickly lead to full-blown stage fright.

In a new study reported in Sport, Exercise & Performance Psychology, thirty-three musicians (including singers, pianists, string, bass and woodwind musicians) were put through a training program very similar to the work I do with elite athletes.  Half the participants were put in the “treatment group” and were taught how thoughts (e.g., “what if I stink up the place”), behaviors (e.g., breathing incorrectly) and feelings (e.g., fear of failure) interact.  The other half of the participants were considered the control group and had not formal training of the above.

The treatment group participated in four short training workshops, aimed at learning how to recognize negative self-talk, how to stop it immediately and how to use visualization (imagery) to maintain concentration, decrease anxiety, and improve concentration.

The results showed that the treatment group musicians had less anxiety and had significantly higher quality in their performances, than did the group that received no treatment.  I can substantiate these results, as I have used imagery and hypnosis to help musicians overcome pre-performance jitters and improve the quality of their performances.  Like athletes, if musicians visualize the ideal performance they wish to accomplish, as if they have just completed it and the audience is applauding, etc., they will be conditioning their subconscious minds to follow that lead.  Amazing you say?  It really works…just practice as hard as you do your music.

The more knowledge musicians have about what contributes to their MPA and how to reduce that anxiety to manageable levels, the more enjoyable and rich their careers will most likely be!

Dr. Jack Singer is a Certified Sport Psychologist and a Professional Speaker.  Contact Dr. Jack at: 1-800-497-9880 or by using the form below.

So, with all of the warnings about keeping our stress levels low, is there any stress that is actually good for us?  The answer is “absolutely!”  The key is the level or amount of stress in your life, because there is point for each of us, when our stress level moves beyond healthy to unhealthy.

Since we lived in caves, the stressors in our lives served stimulate our nervous system to be vigilant and avoid dangerous situations, rather than have us passively sit back and get devoured by a predator.  So, daily stressors keep us alert, motivate us and put us in the best position to succeed at tasks, as long as we keep them at a manageable level.

Think about taking an audition or performing on stage.  If you are confident about your lines and acting ability, that stressor will pump you up and excite you about the experience you are about to engage in and the anticipated positive results.  This feeling is similar to the effects of aerobic exercise.

On the other hand, if you tell yourself that you may forget your lines, or may be embarrassed by your upcoming performance, those thoughts will propel your stress level beyond healthy, toward threatening levels.  You may feel weak-kneed, dizzy and begin to hyperventilate, with rising blood pressure. These sensations may be similar to those you feel when you are in a fit of anger.

Perception of the stressors in your life makes all the difference.  It is noted by many researchers in the field that your stress level is 10 per cent what is happening to you at any time and 90 per cent how you interpret (i.e., what you say to yourself about) what is happening to you.  When feeling nervous before an upcoming performance is interpreted as normal excitement, people perform much better than whey they tell themselves that the nervousness means they are going to have a problem.

Identify your stress levels.

So, picture a scale in your mind that ranges from 1 to 10.  Stress levels below 3 will keep you relaxed and enable you to sleep, but such a level will not help you to perform your best.  Levels above 7 will definitely keep you from performing your best.  Consider a level between 4 and 6 to be your “power zone,” where you will be most efficient.

The key is learning to “dial back” harmful stress to manageable and healthy levels.  The most efficient way to do that is to give yourself positive thoughts

about whatever situation you are in, anticipate and expect good outcomes, learn to breath slowly and deeply through your diaphragm (like singers and musicians do) and build aerobic types of exercise into your weekly regimen.

Doing these things will put you in the best opportunity to stay in your power zone, for life!

To succeed as an advisor, it’s not good enough to have the right products and the right clients. You need to understand your clients’ underlying goals and constraints and to develop an atmosphere of trust and understanding. In the course of my work with numerous advisors, I have found that the “T.R.I.U.M.P.H.S” model effectively develops those skills.

Here’s the difference that model made for a couple of advisors:

Susan had been doing well in her advising career for many years. She understood how to how follow up on leads and referrals and how to offer excellent service to her clients. Yet she was amazed at how much more successful her colleague, Michael, was. She seemed to put a lot more hours and a lot more sweat into her work than Michael did, but Michael’s accounts and new referrals grew much faster than hers. What was she missing?

The key difference between Michael’s approach and Susan’s was the fact that Michael has trained himself to be an “active listener.” He used the T.R.I.U.M.P.H.S. model not only to help him maximize his client services, but also to communicate effectively with his wife and teenage children.

Here are the components of your sales ”triumphs:”

T – Treat your clients and prospects with respect. Developing rapport with prospective clients is a crucial first step. Smile, position yourself at the same level (sitting or standing, depending on what the client is doing), and slightly lean toward him, maintaining eye contact. Make sure your cell phone is on silent; give undivided attention to the client.

Listen to what the client is saying and don’t shuffle papers or start thinking about your response. Just listen to her. Regardless of what she asks, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you need to answer immediately. It’s ok to say, “That’s a great question. Give me a day or so to research our products to find the one that precisely addresses your question.”Some clients can be long-winded, nervously asking a lot of questions, especially regarding expensive products but cutting off someone may lose you the rapport you need to develop. Always give the speaker the courtesy of finishing a point before you interject yours. Take notes so you won’t forget what you wanted to say.

R – Reflect back what your client is telling you before you actually respond. The best way to understand a prospective client is to make sure you are listening carefully. The best way to do that is to reflect or paraphrase what you heard her say before you comment on it. An example is, “What I’m hearing is that you are not certain that this product will serve your needs.”

I – “I statements” are powerful. As you paraphrase and reflect back what the client is saying, you can use “I statements,” which are very effective. For example, “I am getting the feeling that you are uncomfortable with this product and would like some other options.” To start with “You” would be much more instinctively threatening for the buyer. Imagine hearing, “You don’t like this product?”

Realize that understanding what the listener is saying doesn’t mean necessarily agreeing with him. You are simply showing that you are hearing his concerns. For example: “Fred, I hear your concerns because of your last experience with a similar product. Let me get the information you will need to make you feel better about this.”Always acknowledge the speaker and his position before voicing yours.

U – Understand the needs and goals of your client. If you are genuine and sell quality products that will truly satisfy your client’s needs and desires, that person will trust you. That includes not selling him the most expensive product if you believe it is not right for her. Nothing earns trust more than being honest.

M – Monitor the tone and mannerisms of the prospective client. Body language is so important that studies point out that only a small percentage of what is “heard” by a listener are the words of the speaker. Most of what we interpret is tone of voice, facial expressions, inflections, hesitations, etc. Watch for all of these indications of your client’s mood and attitude. You might even wait for a moment to interpret what you sense after a client is done speaking. You might say: “I am feeling as if you believe that I am trying to force you to buy this product, Alice. Is that what’s going on in your head?”

P – Probe gently and with respect. Your job is to try to understand what your prospective client needs and how you can accommodate those needs. The only way to show people that you have exactly the product to satisfy those needs is to ask gentle questions about their goals and hopes, as they relate to your product. An example is, “If you could describe the ideal software to solve your business problems, what would you like it to do for you?”

H – Help your client feel safe in the conversation. For major purchases, such as insurance policies and annuities, clients need to feel safe discussing their specific money issues. Gently probing about personal and family situations that affect their pocketbook requires them being able to trust you. This entails ensuring confidentiality and showing genuine concern for their needs. If you expect them to share their biggest fears and insecurities, you must focus in on what they’re saying, be sensitive, and assure them that you will help them to meet their goals.

S – Summarize. You’d be amazed at how you can demonstrate your listening skills by frequently summarizing what you just heard. This will also help you to focus and remember what the speaker is telling you. If you hit the key points in your summary, the speaker will feel validated and closer to you. If you missed key points that he is trying to convey, he can inform you. Practice this with friends and family. It’s easy to get the hang of it, and it really works!

Click here to print original article as a PDF.

Certainly the storied career of former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno has left many praising his legacy of career wins, devotion and loyalty to his university for so many decades, and his concern with providing a wonderful role model for the young men under his tutelage.

Sadly, the end of his career seriously tarnished the image of his decades of honor and success. Pundits will be debating for years whether to give Joe credit for what he accomplished or to revile him for what he did not do, with respect to the Jerry Sandusky sex abuse situation.

But it is precisely what he did not do that may be his greatest legacy after all. Because of what Joe did not do, sensitivity to the horrors of child sexual abuse (in and out of sports) is now at its highest level ever. Safeguards have become instituted in universities across the nation and victims are now encouraged to come forward, rather than living lives of secrecy and mental torment.

These crimes and sexual predators will always be among us, but because of the exposure of the Penn State situation, coaches, athletic directors, college deans and families of athletes will be on the lookout for signs and symptoms and as a result, countless abuses undoubtedly will be prevented.

Shortly after his dismissal, Paterno was diagnosed with lung cancer and broke his hip. Chemotherapy and radiation treatments weakened him, robbing him of his hair and his once-booming voice. In fact, in a recent interview with the Washington Post, he appeared frail, wearing a wig and speaking in a whisper. He canceled public appearances after the interview because of his failing health, according to family members and there was public speculation about how rapidly Mr. Paterno began physically failing when he gave every appearance of being hale and hearty just before he was relieved of his post.

It is really no surprise that a man who was so passionately devoted to his career and who suffered such major and humiliating stress, and the “death” of everything that he was justly famous for that his immune system deteriorated so dramatically and could not fight off the ravages of his illness.

For Paterno’s legion of fans, who referred to the coach affectionately as “JoePa,” the turbulent final months of Paterno’s life were a tragic end to an outstanding coaching career that was built around his motto of “success with honor.”

Rest In Peace Joe Paterno.

Does this sound like your family?

You are a Type A personality. You’re driven, intense and focused primarily on your career. You tend to look at yourself as having to be perfect, are impatient with co-workers and subordinates who are slower than you or who don’t share your passion about their work and careers.

Of course, these personality traits carry over to your home life, as well. You get impatient and easily irritated at your teens who don’t have that kind of passion about school, sports, or anything in their lives, except, their friends.

Most likely, your spouse does not share your personality traits, either. It’s what attracted you to them. They may be a people pleaser, “yessing” you and accepting you because he/she loves you. You predicted that you would be happily married, partly because it would be unlikely that your spouse would compete with you and therefore, you would always be in control in the relationship.

Or, perhaps, your spouse or one of your children, is just as competitive as you and therefore there is a constant power struggle going on within the family.

Unresolved or insensitively managed conflict negatively impacts families on multiple levels. In these situations, you hate coming home perhaps as much as you hate going to work. On the other hand, if you can learn how to skillfully resolve conflicts, it can be a platform for enhancing the love and warmth within your family.

The following is a three-step series of behavioral prescriptions for assessing and implementing a conflict resolution program at home. Once put into practice, in as little as 21 days you can see positive change in your relationship with your spouse, children and stop the “I hate going home” feeling:

Rx #1. Use A Thought Stopping Technique

Whenever you get angry at a family member, it is never what that family member says or does that gets you angry; rather, it is your interpretation (based on your own internal dialogue) of what that family member says or does that always determines your
emotional reaction.

Internal Dialogue

The key to analyzing your vulnerability to being provoked into confrontations, is to understand when your automatic thoughts, including your assumptions and conclusions, are distorted and therefore cause the emotional reactions you make.

Examples of automatic thought distortions are:

• “My teenager should respect my rules, even if she doesn’t like them.”(using should, must, and have to in judging your actions);
• “My husband is selfish and doesn’t care about my needs, ” (reading your spouse’s mind about what he must be thinking and feeling);
• “I will never be happy as long as these kids are living in this house.”(catastrophizing or fortune telling about what negative things will happen to you in the future);
• “I’m a failure as a parent” (negatively labeling yourself instead of describing your behavior as unfortunate or unproductive).

Thought Stopping

Once you learn about the distortions that are part of your automatic thinking, you can then learn how to stop them in their tracks. This works through a process of challenging your distorted thinking and developing a more rational, alternative set of beliefs. . The end result is dissolving negative emotions and engaging in a healthy, more reasonable outlook, despite the situation.

Rx # 2. – Identify Your Typical Conflict Management Habits

People resort to behavioral habits when they experience conflict with others. These reactions include:

• Non-productive behaviors, such as: confronting, dominating, defending, using sarcasm,hostile humor, repressing emotions, insisting on being right, stonewalling, and blaming;
• Neutral behaviors, such as: avoiding, cooling off, apologizing, and giving in or backing off to avoid confrontation;
• Positive behaviors, such as: active listening, empathizing, disarming, inquiring, and using “I feel” statements.

The goal is to eliminate negative and neutral behaviors and practice positive confrontation reduction skills until they become new habits. On the average, with practice, these skills actually can be learned in only 21 days!

Rx # 3. – Use These Powerful Confrontation Reduction Skills

Active Listening 

The key to all interpersonal communications is genuine listening. This is different from defensive listening, which is where you internally plan your retort
while the other person is talking to you.

In order to really listen, paraphrase what the other person says in your own words. Do this without judging, agreeing or disagreeing. Then, listen and reflect the content, needs and feelings of the other person.

Next, ask for feedback to determine whether you interpreted correctly. If you have not, ask for clarification. Continue this process until you are sure that you have heard what the other person is saying and how he or she really feels emotionally.

Once you are certain that you understand the message and feelings expressed by the other person, respond. The other person then listens and paraphrases for you. This process continues until you have both clarified your positions and are certain that the other person really heard you and understands.

Empathizing

This involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to see the world through his or her eyes. As you do this, consider the age and experience of the person with whom you are in conflict so you can accurately assess the experience of the other person.

Disarming

The fastest way to defuse an argument is to find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if you do not agree with the basic criticism or complaint. For example, saying “I can understand why you feel angry with me since you believe that I
violated your trust by sharing our conversation with dad” acknowledges and validates the angry person’s feelings without actually agreeing with what was said. This opens the door to clarification, feedback and reconciliation.